I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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