dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
