My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
