thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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