right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
