tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
