sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
