you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
