I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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