i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
