I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
