Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
