Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
