I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
