I'm sorry my penis didn't work
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
