you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
