i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
