There is no way he is gay with that hair.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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