I just pynch a tree in the face
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
