I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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