You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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