I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
