I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
