I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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