Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Send help, water and tortillas.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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