I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
