Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
