Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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