I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Someone shit on the floor
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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