This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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