I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
