I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
