im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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