My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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