I wish you could order shots online.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
