I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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