Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
