So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
