so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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