So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize