my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
