Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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