She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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