You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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