this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
