Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
