I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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