He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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