i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
