you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize