True but thats because hes a fetus.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
