I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
