He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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