and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
