you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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