I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
