My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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