one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
