chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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